


Withdrawal

by Whitetiger01



Series: The Denial [1]
Category: N/A - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Community: lgbtfest, Gay Male Character, Insecurity, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 07:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17421566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whitetiger01/pseuds/Whitetiger01
Summary: Michael Alexander was just like any working adult you see on the busy sidewalk. He wore a suit, carried his laptop every day and wore a pair of nerdy-looking glasses. He even thought of himself as an average and a far too ordinary single man in his mid-twenties. However, it seemed like the world was always against him. He was gay and disowned by his parents because of it. Also, he always fell in love with the same type of person. He loved guys who are gentle and patient with him. But it seemed his past crushes took his naivety as a wall to lean on every time they were desperate for love.  His crushes would end up being with someone else rather than with him.Then, he met another man from his dream. Handsome and more stunning than anyone he had ever seen, Artur Fowler. Michael denied his feeling for Arthur and decided to do what he thought was best, to give up on him and move on.What if Arthur know Michael's feeling about him? How would Arthur respond when a guy like Michael falls in love with him? What could possibly happen to their complicated relationship?The first book of  The Denial series





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome welcome. this is my first attempt on sharing my stories with the public. Just to warn you beforehand that this story contains some problems relating to anxiety and insecurities so if you find uncomfortable with that topics, do not read this story but if you're alright with it then go ahead and enjoy!! :3

Sharp edges of thorns from a blood red rose pierced through my formless heart. Life started to leave my body and a throbbing pain sent a shiver to my spine. In a distance, I saw the love of my life was taken away from me. I stood at the side of the road, frozen, as my bag slipped from my shoulder, watching the scene in front of my eyes. Gradually, the distance between me and him started to increase. The lump in my throat accumulated and I could not find my voice anymore. The voice inside my shapeless heart told me, “Dear God, what did I do to deserve such scene when you know that from the bottom of my heart that I love him and want to hold him dearly?”

As his shadow could not be seen anymore, I took my bag which was lying on the snowy ground. Looking at my bag, I started to wonder, how such an innocent and loveable trivial thing could be so deadly and vicious. Afterwards, I could find my energy back to lift up my feet and walked to a place where I could find warmth again, home. Perhaps, I could go somewhere else that would heal my tearing and scarred heart. As I walked on the snowy sidewalk, I saw a glimpse of a beautiful park that sparkled and showed its beauty under the bright moonlight. I decided to approach it and caught sight of a lonely bench that was overwhelmed by the sparkle of the whole entire park that caused it to be marginalised. “Hello my friend, we have something in common, aren’t we? We are just a crack in a castle of glass. Ironic, don’t you think? Haha..” I said to the lonely bench and decided to put my heavy and tired body onto it.

It has been like this for as long as I could remember. I always thought after I found the one I truly loved, we would get married and get as many adopted children as I always dreamt because we were meant to be. However, it just vanished after my heart was ripped from my chest for the fact that “the love of my life” preferred somebody else and led a normal life just like everybody in the crowd who would be too terrified to be different. 

Do I really have to be someone else to just be happy and content with my life? Is my real self that disgusting to many? Do they even know how I feel? Do they even care about my feelings? Do I even deserve just a drip drop of happiness? There were just many rhetorical questions which I did not how to answer. Suddenly, I had the urge to shut the world out and just listened to my favourite music that would at least bring back my soul bit by bit. I took out my white yet precious earphone and plugged into both of my numb ears. I played “Car Radio by twenty-one pilots.” Music blasted through the earphones while I tried to digest and process every word in the lyrics. 

I have these thoughts so often I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought 'cause somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence. I muttered those parts of the lyrics which was my favourite. After the song ended I played more songs to immerse myself in order to forget the scene that kept playing in my head repeatedly like a broken recording. From the outside, I may look very bubbly and optimistic but the truth told them otherwise. I was really what you called “emo” (the term that people used these days which always confused me) inside. Rock music, band t-shirt, black hoodie and leather wristband were all about my life. Even though I worked in a huge company and had to dress appropriately as well as behaved in the most civilised manner, I became my real self when I reached home or whenever I did not have to face anyone from my office (or the correct way of saying that was hell) or to be more precise, during the weekend.  
I got up and decided to walk home rather than taking a taxi, not because I was stingy to the point I was willing to starve myself to death than to buy a Chinese food that I have been dying to eat. Or perhaps I just wanted to get rid of the horrible thoughts in my mind while killing some time. Piles of snow on the sidewalk, the laughter of happy couples, the flickering of the light bulb of the lamp post (someone should probably fix that). I took as much as I could with my eyes, realising that people tend to not notice the small details when everyone was just being so noisy and busybody. It was really bizarre how I did not notice the virtuosic graffiti on the wall in one of the dark alleys on my usual way home from work. 

As soon I arrived, I took a long and hot shower to relax my tense shoulders and muscles. Of course, I would never forget to tune in my favourite music and sang along as if it was my first debut. It was a peculiar way of me relaxing after a long day of work but it was my kind of way to do that so I could not help but to just play along with my desire. Afterwards, I just went to bed, not caring about my growling stomach as I lost my appetite after what had happened today. Instead, I felt like vomiting my gut out. 

As I stared up to my bedroom’s ceiling, things ran wild in my minds. The deafening silence now seemed more comfortable when I used to despise it a lot. It drove me wild to think that my happiest moment with him just flew away in a blink of an eye. The ringing of my phone suddenly filled the whole room. My mind returned back to the reality (I hate reality, really…) and tried my best to get my phone from my study table without lifting my leg off my bed. “Hello, Michael is speaking,” I said to the other line without even bothered to look at the name of the caller.

“I didn’t know that your name is Michael. As long as I can remember, your name is Mike or maybe I just called the wrong number?” The caller spoke on the other line with sarcasm.

“Oh, it’s just you, Jess,” I answered with no interest in my voice.

“The heck, really? All I get is an ‘OH’ after putting a huge effort to just call you. At least you should appreciate your BEST FRIEND by sounding more interested, you dimwit. What the hell man!” Jess complained and even I could feel her frowning from the other side of the line.

“Seriously, Jess, again with the exaggeration. Plus, it doesn’t take that HUGE effort to just click on my contact and call me. It’s rather a HUGE effort from me not hanging up on you because of your endless complaints,” I responded to her with an irritated tone.

I really do not want another factor or character to bother me when I was sombre and had the urge to admit that I had my whole life botched. I just suddenly had this urge to weep while having this thought. “Don’t get all pissy on me. Look I’m sorry, it was just a joke. Judging by your annoyed tone, bad day?” She said in sympathy.

“I rather said it’s the worst day rather than a bad one.”

“Wow, I guess it’s a bad move to complain in the first place. I’m sorry, Mike. Didn’t know that you just experienced a stormy day, you know. So care to tell the tale,” She responded with a serious apologetic tone.  
“You think? And seriously, you can still joke around while I’m trying my very best not to shred myself into a million pieces with my bare hands.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. No more jokes, for real this me. I just want to cheer you up, you know. You know that you love my jokes. So... Care to tell me the reason why today is your worst day?” She asked with sincerity this time.

I paused for a while, trying to brace myself to tell her the incredulous story of mine. “Well, do you remember the male waiter who works in the café that I often visit? And the fact that I had a huge crush on him? I sort of saw him confessing to a girl who he had been dying to ask to go out with. And yeah, after that I felt like an enormous rock hit on top of me and my heart felt like it was stomped by his girlfriend, you know. As if she’s saying that ‘He’s mine, bitch!’ directly at my face. Sighh…” I gave her a summary of today’s highlighted incident. 

“Well, that sucks big time. I’m sorry to hear that, man. But, I kind of confused here. Why didn’t you stop him from confessing to her? I mean you like him so you’ve got to keep him all to yourself.”

“How can I do that to him? Are you out of your mind? He has a crush on her, I don’t know like since forever. And, I just want him to be happy, you know, so I sort of gave him a little push to man up and confess to her. The sadness is still there but somehow I felt accomplished, you know. So it’s a win-win situation.” I answered in an almost inaudible voice.

“OMG, MIKE! So you’re telling me that you actually gave him the advice to confess to his crush but you didn’t even do that! You’re such a bad liar, you know that! You see, this is the reason why all of your ‘dream guys’ ended up leaving you. Because you gave them love advice so that they will be happy when you are the real victim here. They will be happy but you just become more miserable and I always can’t stand looking at your face after that. It’s too depressing until it becomes unbearable to watch you get hurt all the time. Listen, Mike, sometimes it’s OKAY to be selfish to make yourself happy because you deserve happiness.” She just lectured me with the same words she told me every time I had my heart broken.

“You know that I can never ever be selfish in that way. Even if I do, the guiltiness will overwhelm me and I just hate, wait that’s an understatement. More like, despised the feeling! It’s just a part of me and I can’t possibly get rid of it that easily.” 

“Sighh… Yeah, I know that. Ever since Kindergarten, you always put others first and always act in the most humanely way possible. You are too kind, really. But yeah, you’re right, it is what makes you, YOU, you know. That’s why I love you so much but you have to understand that watching you get hurt all the time saddened me and I don’t like the feeling as much as you. Besides, it’s useless to tell you again and again because you are just the most rock-headed and stubborn person I’ve ever met.” I could feel her grinning and reminiscing back during the day when we first met from the other side of the line.

“Well, now you get it that I won’t budge even if you’re the one who tells me all these things. And, I am not rock-headed and stubborn, I’m just tenacious, which is good because tenacity is essential in this so-called ‘rat-race’, you know.” I said to her sarcastically.

“Yeah yeah, whatever you say, Mr. smartie. Look, whatever happens, just remember that I’ll be there for you but still, you need to be selfish sometimes, you know, because when you are happy, I’ll be happy as well. You also need to smile and laugh more. I bet guys will totally fall for you just by looking at your smile and laugh.”

“Don’t get too sap on me, Jess. But, I smile and laugh almost every minute, you know, and they’re not fake, they’re genuine because smiling and laughing is just natural for me. I’ll try my best to be more selfish but I can’t really guarantee that I will do so.”

“Oh, come on, you know you love all the attention I give you. And yeah, I’m so dumb to say that to you when technically smiling and laughing are parts of you. Well, would you look at the time… You should head to sleep soon because, from your slurred voice, I can really feel that your eyelids are threatened to be closed. Don’t wake up too early since tomorrow is Saturday and please spend your time going outside rather than staying in your safe little curb. Do something to distract yourself.” 

“Yeah, it has been a long time since I visit a bookstore. You’re right, I’ll go out tomorrow. Thanks for reminding me that.” I said to her while smiling at the image of being surrounded by mountains of books in the bookstore which was as exciting as going to an amusement park.

“You haven’t lost your nerdiness in you, huh? Well, whatever works for you. I really want to go but I won’t be back until next month. Look. I have to go now. Just message me if you need something, okay? Bye Mikey.” She said in a hurry and she hung up before I had the chance to say my goodbye to her.

“Yeah, bye Jess,” I said while the sadness surged through my whole body.

Loneliness was all I could feel. The moment Jess called me, the rope that tied around my heart was loosened up a bit but when she hung up on me, it tightened even stronger now. I bet she’s having so much fun right now. Suddenly, mind just came up with something that I thought it was kind of brilliant. I took my yellow post-it notes and wrote something on it.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I am lying on my bed, thinking about you.

It might seem absurd and random but it was just my weird habit to write random things that my mind just came up with on post-it notes and pasted it on the wall of my bedroom. They were all over my bedroom wall, all of my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, the courage of sharing my thoughts and feelings to others was not there so I did this instead and eventually it became rather quite an odd habit. From the feeling of joy and happiness to the feeling of sorrow and despair, all were spread across my bedroom wall. Afterwards, I just tried my best to sleep with a maximum level of sorrow. It was extremely challenging. Every time I closed my eyes, I was brought back to the place where I just stood at the sidewalk and watched him drifted away from me. Because of that, I could not fall to my slumber. I switched on the television in my room and watched some random TV show. A few minutes after that, darkness covered my vision like a curtain.


	2. Chapter 2

“You know I just want to say thank you for making me much stronger. I should appreciate and make full advantage of your kind nature.” A male voice said as I stood in the middle of nowhere, darkness was all I could see. 

I tried to ask who he is but I could not find my voice. It was as if my throat was tied up with a thread. Who are you? And what do you mean by stronger? I said in my heart with fear in my voice.  
“I know that you really want to question my existence here and perhaps obtain an explanation of the reason why you are here in this very dark and cold place.” He said with coldness in his voice.

My breath became frantic and my body could not be moved at all. All I could think was to get out this horrendous black hole and went back to reality. This is not true; this is only in my imagination. I thought as I tried with all might just to move my fingers. “Do you really think it is your imagination? Just to be frank, it’s more like the manifestation or illustration of your dark side. I am you and you are me. When you are beside yourself with grief, you recharge me with your anguish, thus, become stronger. Believe me; you do not ever want to do that because once I become overly powerful, awful things will happen to you.” He said with a threatening voice and I could feel his evil grin even though I could not see him at all.

Leave me alone and I vow to myself that I will make you disappeared and vanished until there is no trace of your existence anymore within me. I said in my heart with determination. “Really, I don’t even feel intimidated at all, you know.” The voice suddenly became much closer and I saw a dark shadow, darker than the black hole, walking towards me.

“Rather, you will be the one who will feel intimidated by me. I know you said that just to forget about everything that I just said but you can’t escape from me. As I told you, I am you and you are me. I am within you and you are within me. In other words, we are connected by your feelings.” He said while trying to reveal himself.

Regret surged through my veins as soon as I laid my eyes on him. The figure that I saw was an exact copy of me but there was no life in his eyes at all. Evil and sufferings were all I could see whenever I stared deeply into his eyes. My eyes widened at the sight of him. NO NO NO, this is fake, this is not reality at all and you don’t exist. I said in my heart while trying my best to escape from his judging stare. I could not stop staring at his eyes. It was as if he purposely locked his gaze with me to assure me that he was real.  
“You should understand by now the reason I said that. And, I am real and do exist, in your heart. We are the same person but just a little bit different, in terms of our personality. I just want to warn you and give you a head start so you will not be puzzled when your head starts playing with your heart. Just remember if that really happens, it is because of me. If you can’t control it...”  
Before he could finish his sentence, a cage fell onto me and I was trapped inside.

Both of my wrist and ankle was a constraint with metal chains. Even though I found my strength again, no matter how strong I pulled the metal chains, they would not leave my wrists and ankles. Strangely, I still could not find my voice. There was no sound despite my great effort to scream at the top of my lungs.

“If you can’t control it, you will be trapped here for as long as you can remember. And stop trying to let out your voice because it’s useless. And also because I am in charge here and I can do anything according to my will. Well, I guess my time chatting with you is up. See you on the other side, if you are willing to give me the chance.” He said while walking backwards with an evil grin spread wide across his face, showing his white yet terrifying teeth.

The cage and the metal chains vanished into thin air a once I lost my sight on him. The next thing I knew was that I fell into a hole, a bottomless one. The darkness was still all I could see.

My eyes slowly opened and I could feel wetness on my cheeks. I brought my hand to my head and brushed my fingers through my messy bed hair. What just happened? Why both sides of my cheeks are wet? Is there any leakage here? What just happened? Questions just flooded to my blank mind. I could not remember any single detail, at all. I knew I had a dream but it was just all cloudy and blurry. I could not remember anything at all or my mind was just trying to protect me from the mysterious dream I just had.


	3. Chapter 3

I walked on the sidewalk, on my way to the bookshop that I used to visit quite frequently during my university years. Dark clouds were looming over the sky, cold gust wind blew, trying to reveal its presence in the midst of the crowd of people, who were trying to cover their reddening and exposed faces. Even though I wore my thickest grey coat with my white, hand-knitted and fluffy scarf around my neck, almost covering my small facial feature and my leather gloves, I could still feel the coldness stung my skin. Perhaps, it was not the best the weather for going out and having a brief walk. However, the weather would not persuade me to squander my precious time, grieving over something I shouldn’t have at home. I would still go forth and went to visit the bookstore.

I stood in front of the bookstore which had a little sign, ‘The Thoth Bookstore’ hanging on the side of the door. Whenever I saw the sign, it brought back all the memories of me who spent and wasted his youth in the university by visiting and isolating himself in this peculiar yet significant bookshop. I remembered that the moment I laid my eyes on this bookstore during my first of the year of undergraduate in engineering, I immediately fell in love at first sight. Maybe, people would wonder why I would fall in love in the most bizarre way and even Jess felt the same along with a lot of detailed questions asked. Well. I didn’t know the reasons why it was just a sudden spark in that spread warmth on my heart the moment I said the name with my own mouth. I guess the fact that the name Thoth left a very significant memory. It was a name of the God of Wisdom of the ancient Egypt mythology which I had been studying ever since I was very young. It was neither too old nor new. It was rather small yet they always have the latest book sold on their bookshelves. 

I pushed the glass door and the bell chimed, signalling the owner that there was a customer. “Welcome to the Thoth Bookstore,” said Jane from the back of the cashier, trying to retrieve something from the floor.

A pen rolled on the floor and I took it. Probably, she was looking for this pen. I thought while trying to find words to greet her. It had been a long time since I saw her and trepidation overwhelmed me. “Are you looking for this Jane?” I said and I could feel myself trembling, fearing that she would not remember me after not seeing her for a long time.

“Yes, that’s what I’m looking for. Thank you, young man.” She said while still not looking at me, albeit, concentrating on her pen as if she tried to discover every small detail of the pen.

“No problem, Jane,” I said with a tad of disappointment in my voice. 

I guess she didn’t remember me at all. I looked down on the counter as if it was the most interesting thing I could find. I could not see her in the eyes, not being able to make any eye contact at all. I started to walk away from the cashier counter, making my way to one of the bookshelves when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. When I turned around, I was met by her intense yet familiar gaze of her as if she was staring into my soul. “You look bizarrely familiar. Have I met you somewhere else, young man?”

“Yes, Jane. I’m Michael and you always called me Micah, remember?” I tried my best to assure her.

“Micah? You mean the adorable and intelligent young man who always visited this bookstore about four years ago?” 

“That’s correct Jane. I’m glad you still remember me.” I said to her with a gentle smile plastered across my face.

“Well well, look who’s here? You just become more adorable. So how long has it been since the last time you’ve been here? How are you? Is everything doing well for you? How’s your best friend, Jess?” She asked me in a rush while pinching my cheeks.

She still had the habit of doing that until now and she doesn’t change at all, I’m glad to see that. I thought while still looking at her with joy like a little child looking at her mother dearly. “Slow down, Jane. One by one. I can’t possibly answer all of that in one go if you didn’t ask me at a slower pace.” I said while chuckling due to her childlike behaviour.

“What can I say? I just miss you so much, Micah. You just disappeared like that and you made me worried sick because of that. So tell me everything, please….” She said while showing her signature puppy eyes.

“I would love to do so but don’t you have work to do? Besides, I want to explore the bookstore for a while because I need to find a new book to read.”

“Yeah, you’re right. You are always right and I hate that part of you. How about we catch up with each other during my break? My break will be in two hours’ time so just look around and fill that big brain of yours with as many books as you can while waiting for me.” She said while slightly grinning at my elated expression hearing her words because she knew my addiction towards books.

“Absolutely, Jane. I’m more than happy to do so. If you are on your break, just find me in my usual spot. If you still remember where it is.” I said while walking away towards the ocean of books and blending in.

“Of course, I still remember it, you dumbass.” I could hear her whisper those words under breath while smirking.

 

Summaries after summaries of different books I have read yet I was still disconcerted of which were the ones I should buy. Should I choose the book that tells a story about a journey of a lone werewolf trying to find his mate during an outbreak of disease? Or another book that tells the story of an orphan who wanted to know the meaning of true love? Wow, there were a lot of books that told different yet unique stories. I really could not make up my mind on which book to pick and perhaps buy it. “You should probably choose this title. I would really recommend you to read it. I haven’t read it but according to my friend it was really good.” Suddenly a husky voice interrupted the conflict that I had in my mind while shoving a book to my hands.

“The title is ‘Discover’. What a simple title this book has? It looks interesting. So what is the story about…” Suddenly I lost the courage to say further as soon as I turned and averted my attention from the book he just gave to him. 

He had a very distinctive feature like his sharp jaw which I believed I could cut a carrot with it. His neatly combed light brown hair, his high cheekbones, his gentle smile that made him extremely radiant that I had a feeling I should put a blind on my spectacles. His dark blue blazer under his black coat hugged his upper body so perfectly as if it was created just for him by a professional tailor himself. His tan skin under the white V-neck he wore added to his perfectness. From the top to bottom, he looked so fine and gorgeous as if the God himself created him with his own hands. However, the most striking of all his physical features was his blue eyes that reflected the colour of the blue Caribbean Sea. I gazed for a long time to the point that I did not realise that he was gone. My instinct told me to search for him but I should probably avoid doing so because I knew there was no point on talking to him. As I tried to step away from my spot, I felt a slight tap on my shoulder. I startled and yelped. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I just want you to have this new book because I saw that the same book that you’ve been holding is not in a really top-notch condition. And that is the last one on the shelve so I thought that I would ask a new one from one of the staff and it turns out that they have the last book which by the way is still fresh, in their new piles of books. So, here you go, have this instead.” He smiled gently while taking away the book from my hands and replaced it with the one he took.

His hand brushed my hand slightly during the exchange of the books and when he did that, I felt a spark around the part of hands where they accidentally touched him which sent a shiver to my spine. Because of that, my eyes automatically looked at him. Frightened to be called as a creep, I averted my gaze back towards the book. “So tell me what this book is all about since you are the one who recommends it to me,” I said while still looking at the book as if it was the most interesting that I could find which was half the truth actually.

“I don’t want to be such a spoiler so you should just read it. Trust me, it is worth your time to read the book. Even though I have not read it but when my friend told me, I paid my fullest attention to her all the time while listening to her telling me the story.”

“If it is very good, then why don’t you read it yourself?” I was interested to know because people always said that curiosity killed the cat, and satisfaction brought it back.

“Well, I’m not what you can consider as much of a reader. I can read other things like proposals and contracts or something that is related to business but not with storybooks. Whenever I tried to read those, I’d be lost and didn’t know what was going on in the story since I had to keep up to the really long story and memorise all the characters’ names. And I’m nowhere an expert in memorising names. So yeah, those are the reason why I didn’t read the book. Besides, it’s more interesting to listen to somebody telling the story instead of just reading it. I just like it that way.” He said while rummaging through the bookshelves to search for a book.

Just like a little child who loves a bedtime story, how adorable is that. I guess what people said was true after all, don’t judge the book by its cover. He might be very intimidating, judging by his physical appearance, albeit, he had a very kind and gentle heart that would surely melt everyone’s heart regardless of gender and age. Gentle giant was the perfect nickname for him. The thought of his co-workers calling him that made me giggle. “Well, sir. That was a bit strange. But a different person has different preferences so I guess you are quite unique. I mean your preference in reading proposals and contracts instead of a storybook is rather one of a kind. Since most people prefer otherwise, including me as well.” I said while trying to make myself busy, running my right hand through the books on the shelves.

“Thanks, I take that as a compliment, I guess? I can’t really tell from the way you speak whether you are complimenting or you just think that I am very creepy and weird.”

“Definitely, complimenting you, sir. This is how I normally speak. It is rather peculiar and you may think I am just trying to be sarcastic but that will be a wrong assumption. This is absolutely how I normally speak with other people including my friends so please don’t be misunderstood. About what I said earlier, I really meant it.” I said while trying my best not to look at him so I just glanced at him from the corner of my eyes for a few seconds.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“It’s alright. Besides, I get that a lot from a lot of people so no worries.”

Suddenly, there was only silence between us and it was the awkward one. You could say that anxiety was all I could feel. I mean who did not feel that way if you were to stand and meet a handsome lad like him. Out of the corner of my eyes, he moved to the bookshelves across both us and rummaged through it, trying to search for a book. “Do you want some help or any assistance?” I said, turning around and facing his broad back.

“Yeah, thanks.”

 

“So what are you trying to find? Do you know the title of the book you’re trying to find?”

“Well, that is actually the problem. I don’t know which book to find.” He said while scratching his back head. 

“What do you mean that you don’t know? And I thought you don’t like reading story books?” 

“Of course, it’s not for me. I wouldn’t come here if I want to read a storybook. Rather, I would ask my friend to read a whole book for me. It’s for my friend’s birthday. Since she is a bookworm, I thought that it will be a good idea to give her a book as a gift. Also, I have nothing that I can think of to give her since she practically has everything. She is very rich by the way.” 

“Alright, then. I’m more than happy to help you. So let’s start with the genre of the book. What is her favourite genre?” I said while putting my right palm against my right cheek while my left hand was supporting my right elbow.

“I guess, it’s a romantic comedy.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yeah, especially the ones with vampires and werewolves in it. She loves those kinds. She always screams and squeals whenever she reads those kinds of books. And it’s extremely annoying when she did that.” He said with a frown on his face.

“I guess she is just that fond of that kind of books. Well, I found this book which is a new arrival. The title is ‘Through the Woods’. I bet she will love this book.” I said while smiling at the book.  
“How do you know that she will love this book?”

“It was highly rated in the app that I have. The app will recommend popular and highly rated books daily so I just happened to be informed that this book is very popular among women this morning. So you should probably believe the app and buy this for her.” I said while handing the book to him.

“Okay, then. Oh no, it’s already this late. She will be furious if I was late for her birthday party. Thanks so much for the suggestion.” He said while waving at me and walking quickly to the cashier and went off from the bookstore.

I waved back but he went off so quickly so I didn’t think he noticed that. His friend’s birthday party, huh? I guess that explained the way he dressed. I bet it was a formal birthday party in a ballroom with only important and famous figures was allowed to attend. Still, those few minutes I have spent with him were the best moment that I had after what happened yesterday. Strangely, the memory of yesterday’s incident was still flooding my mind even though I tried my best to forget about it. I just wish to meet him again sooner or later; however, I know that will be beyond my wildest dream. Well, a pathetic young man like me could at least have some hopes. 

Taking off my attention from the book which I didn’t notice staring at for a long time, Jane suddenly appeared in front of my face out of nowhere. “Good riddance, Jane. You surprised me, stop doing that before my heart will stop beating completely!” I said while clutching my t-shirt with my right hand, trying to stop my thumping heart.

“Sorry, I just found it fascinating. The way you are so focused staring at the book that you hold right now. Is that really interesting to you? You are just too weird for someone in your age, Micah.”

“Well, I’m sorry if I’m ‘weird’ from someone in my age. And yes, I find this book rather interesting but that is not the whole truth, it’s just a lot of things in my mind currently. Those things just went haywire to the point I don’t know what’s happening so I just did that to organise it back together. And by looking at your expression, I assume you don’t understand what I just said. Well, it doesn’t really matter anyway. Sigh.”

“Are you kidding me? Of course, I understand what you just said. Your habit to overthink of different situations has not disappeared completely. That’s what happening. Look, maybe you just overwork yourself. You need a day off. Let’s go somewhere quiet, peaceful and warm so you can vent your problems to me and I’ll listen to them just like the old times.” She smiled at me and held my hand, trying to be reassuring that she was someone whom I could trust.

Afterwards, we walked side by side on the sidewalk. There was just silence between us and the sound of a busy street during the weekend, that’s all. But it’s a comfortable silence since it was Jane who walked beside me, not some stranger. I just kept my gaze on the sky above, trying to avert my thoughts to the memories when I used to have conversation with Jane, just both of us, during my university years because Jess was too busy to ‘have fun’ and ‘have a time of her life’ during those time so we didn’t really hang out that often. I only had Jane as my company. She tapped my shoulder and motioned her head to a café. The café was simple and had a vintage vibe to it. They served brewed coffee that was made with no machinery at all. I loved them. It gave me a sense of nostalgia whenever I went to this kind café. I remembered that I frequently visited such place with Mama back when I was young, so much younger. How I wished I could return to those days with my beloved Mama and when things were still clear, not as blur as now. I returned back to reality as Jane shoved the menu to my face. I chuckled at her childlike behaviour and read the menu. 

“Your order please?” a waiter came up to our table with a notepad and a pencil on her hands, smiling politely and brightly.

“Can I have a black coffee with little sugar and a turkey sandwich, please?” Jane said while still staring at the menu.

“You like your coffee black, heh? Such an old soul, I like it.” The waiter said with a hearty laugh.

“Well, that’s certainly me.”

I looked at both of them. They would be good together, perfect I might say. “I would like a cup of vanilla latte with one cheesecake please?” I said while interrupting their process of ‘flirting’.

“Alrighty. Your order will be ready just in few minutes. Thank you.” She said while still smiling, showing her teeth and took the menu from our table. 

“Isn’t she just so adorable and irresistible?” she told me while still looking at her direction despite the waiter was gone long ago with a look of admiration on her face.

I could not find any words of what she felt and said just now neither the moment they ‘flirted’. Well, what can I say? I had never encountered and even be in that situation before. I mean I was single since ‘I don’t know how long has it been’. However, I agreed with Jane this time which I have never done when it came with girls. The waiter wore a big black rimmed spectacle that occupied most of her face. Her smooth and shiny blond hair was tied in a loose ponytail that dropped on her right shoulder which surprisingly suited her overall feature. Albeit, the feature that I found the most appealing and interesting, despite having to prefer the other party, was her dimples. Whenever she smiled, her dimples would appear, revealing its presence. Despite having a look of a nerd, her smile was very bright and genuine that could light up this whole city. I guess that was what Jane referred when she said that the waiter was adorable and irresistible.

“Are you asking me, Jane? Because, clearly, I don’t know how to judge a woman’s appearance due to the fact that I’m not exactly a part of ‘if you know what I mean’. Don’t you remember?” I asked her while giving my sarcasm and ‘are you kidding me’ look.

“You know, Micah. We have the word to describe that in this 21st century already and it’s called –“ her voice was muffled by my right palm which covered her mouth.

“Shhh. Don’t ever mention that taboo word out loud. It’s a disgrace.”

“Oh come on, seriously? Don’t tell me that you still haven’t accepted the way you are. Honestly, Micah, just stop it and accept the reality that you just can’t help it but to only have an attraction towards men. I have accepted my destiny to like both genders then why can’t you?”

“It’s not like I can’t accept my own self but, I don’t know. I’m not ready yet for the world to know the real me even though society has been more open-minded but still, I can’t help it.” I said with an exasperated sigh.

“Okay, sorry for pushing you. I just want to say that I’ll be here for you, do you hear me, Micah?” She said while tilting my chin up to make me look directly at her eyes.

“Of course. Sound and clear.” 

After that serious conversation we had, Jane started asking about my life during those 4 years we have been missing out. I told her that I had the feeling of glory and victory when I heard the news that I have been accepted and employed by the company which I have always wanted to be in when I started working. I kept telling Jane how much I loved working there and I have considerate and hardworking colleagues who I always looked up to. Then, out of the blue, she asked me about my love life. I froze immediately when she brought the subject which I was greatly uncomfortable with every time someone brought it up like jess and now Jane as well. Every time I heard those words his face flashed in my mind and the scene which occurred yesterday would be played in front of my eyes and the familiar clench of my heart would start to appear again to remind me the feeling when I witnessed that. However, I did not really show it in my expression in order to hide the hurtful feelings and avoid bawling my eyes out in front of Jane which I have never done before. I would hate and despise myself if Jane saw my weak side. People would think that I would always be as happy and cheerful as the morning sun yet I still could be a calm, composed and gentle person like the quiet waters. But the truth told them otherwise. I had never been so open about my feelings and personal life to anyone, even Jess, my childhood friend, and Jane, the one who always accompanied me whenever I felt lonely and gave me useful advice. That was the reason why I just changed the subject without showing any kind of intention, and to be honest I was pretty good at doing that. 

We kept talking and talking until late afternoon. What can I say? We had a lot of things to catch up on but I was more than delighted to do so considering how much I have missed Jane. I looked through the glass window of the café while Jane had a conversation with someone on her phone. The sun was halfway down by the horizon that separated the sky and the earth, the sky was in different shades of orange and pink, adding colours to the background that was once gloomy and solemn to be peaceful and calm. It was such a beautiful sight as if winter didn’t ever happen. It was a rare sight since winter would never let or allow for the sun to appear yet I guess this time the winter sky was much kinder and gave away the one life time’s opportunity to it.  
Afterwards, Jane and I decided to take our leave (of course, after Jane asked for the waitress’ phone number). A cold breeze brushed our face indignantly once we pushed the entrance door and because of that I wore back my scarf to cover half of my freezing face. “Aren’t you feeling cold, Jane?” I mumbled through my scarf while trying to wrap myself with my hands to keep me from being cold.

“Unlike you, who are very sensitive to cold, I’m doing just fine.” She said nonchalantly.

After a while, we said our goodbyes because Jane had something that she must do which was very urgent. As I waved at her, her silhouette was fading away. But I still stood there as my feet were glued to the ground and unable to move. My right hand was still waving even though she was gone out of my sight. I wish I can be as carefree as her. No matter what I did I still couldn’t be like her and changed myself. After a few moments, I returned back to reality. I let my right hand fell and found the strength to leave the location in which my feet were rooted to. 

The road was not as silent as it used to be in this morning. The buzzing sound the vehicles, the voices and laughter of people on the pedestrian walk and the soughing of the cold wind overwhelmed me. I became very self-conscious so I took my white earphone to listen to some music to muffle the loud noises which disturbed me greatly. I let the music took over my body and I could feel the melody surged through my veins. My heartbeat slowed down and calmness washed over my body. The worry and anxiety that I had were gone in almost an instant.  
By now, the sun was already out of sight and the darkness covered the sky. The flickering of the lampposts and neon lights from different shops were my only guide to lead me home. I lived in a three bedrooms apartment. It was not too small yet it was not too luxurious and spacious as well. Even though I was clearly, without any doubt, able to afford a bigger place to live but the idea of living alone in such a big space always made feel bizarrely lonely. Therefore, when I saw this apartment from an online advertisement, I just bought it without giving a second thought. It had the most ideal location and design at an affordable price. As soon as I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by the sight of the post-it-notes that covered most of my bedroom’s wall. At least, they make me feel a little better about myself. Just by looking at them, my mood improved a bit but, still, they meant a lot to me, considering that they helped me to remind myself of my feelings as Michael, not someone else. They reminded me of my feelings which I was unable to show to everyone else other than keeping them to myself. They helped me to stay sane in one way or another. They allowed me to take off my masks which covered my real identity.

**Author's Note:**

> How was it? Please leave some kudos and comments. You can also read this story in Wattpad (https://www.wattpad.com/user/WhiteTigress01). Thank you so much for reading my story. I'll update as soon as possible. Love ya! <3<3<3


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